{"id":3998,"date":"2022-01-28T13:44:46","date_gmt":"2022-01-28T18:44:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.goucher.edu\/magazine\/?p=3998"},"modified":"2025-07-24T16:38:13","modified_gmt":"2025-07-24T20:38:13","slug":"the-sandwich-generation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.goucher.edu\/magazine\/the-sandwich-generation\/","title":{"rendered":"The Sandwich Generation"},"content":{"rendered":"

H<\/span>earing aids typically aren\u2019t covered by health insurance. That\u2019s not something Laura Zelley Van Riper \u201989, P \u201922<\/strong><\/span>, expected to know or think about, but it was something she learned after her parents moved to her busy Atlanta suburb in the summer of 2021. The move was a big transition for her parents, who left a rural community in Upstate New York for an apartment close to Van Riper\u2019s home, and who plan to move in with her eventually.<\/p>\n

Van Riper is part of the \u201cSandwich Generation,\u201d which is a term to describe people of any age who are caring for family members of more than one generation, but it\u2019s used most often to refer to people caring for their parents and children at the same time. According to a 2018 analysis from the Pew Research Center, 12% of parents in the U.S. with a child at home also supply unpaid care for another adult.<\/p>\n

Not counted in that percentage are people like Van Riper, whose children and parents live independently but still rely on her every day for help. Her father needs a hip replacement, and he is beginning to show signs of cognitive decline, so Van Riper deals with health insurance and drives her father to the doctors\u2019 appointments she makes for him. Meanwhile, two of her children, 24-year-old twins who have high-functioning Autism, often call for help with routine challenges with a car or work.<\/p>\n

\"Laura\u201cIf something is going on with them,\u201d she says, \u201cthey need Mom.\u201d Now, Van Riper pushes back on some of the emergency requests from her twins if her father needs to be taken to a doctor\u2019s appointment.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is a change, but it\u2019s been good for them,\u201d Van Riper says. \u201cI think all of us are learning new things.\u201d<\/p>\n

While her youngest child, Steven, is currently at Goucher, Van Riper also has a daughter in Atlanta who is expecting a baby\u2014one that Van Riper plans to help care for. That will make her situation, perhaps, something more like a club sandwich. It doesn\u2019t leave her much time for her volunteer activities or for herself, but she\u2019s grateful for the time she spends with her parents in person. \u201cThis is the first time since I left for Goucher that I\u2019ve lived this close to my mom and dad,\u201d she says. \u201cAnd I\u2019m really happy to have that time with them. I know it\u2019s not forever.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her new role has changed her relationship with her parents, for better and for worse. Her mother had a hard time with the move, as she misses her friends and activities, and Van Riper has become a sympathetic ear for her. But Van Riper also struggles with not infantilizing her parents, particularly when trying to help with a digital process like signing into an online medical portal.<\/p>\n

Lisa Oleson Meagher \u201982<\/strong><\/span> has also developed a new relationship to her parents. She hasn\u2019t lived with them since she was 14; her father was a U.S. diplomat, and as a young child she lived all over Central and South America, as well Cairo for a time. For high school, Meagher was sent to an American boarding school.<\/p>\n

In 1993, when Meagher\u2019s first child was born, her parents, now in retirement, moved to Baltimore to be close. Over the years, they saw each other regularly. \u201cWhen my kids were young, they would come and see all their different school activities,\u201d she says. But her parents lived independently, so the relationship was mainly social.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey didn\u2019t share a whole lot with me about their finances or medical situations or anything. They dealt with everything,\u201d Meagher says. \u201cSo, for me, it happened almost overnight.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"LisaIn 2019, Meagher got a call from the hospital that her father had been admitted for pneumonia. He spent 10 days there and began to show signs of cognitive decline. \u201cHe wasn\u2019t the same man when he came out of the hospital,\u201d Meagher says.<\/p>\n

Meagher saw her parents needed help; her mother was reluctant to make decisions about her father\u2019s health. Then it became clear she couldn\u2019t make those decisions; her own critical thinking was declining. \u201cThe transition was stark,\u201d she says. \u201cI went from being not involved at all in their day-to-day life to being absolutely involved in it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, both of Meagher\u2019s sons were in California and going through life transitions; one had just graduated college, and the other was just beginning it. Meagher flew out to see them when she could, but she felt guilty about leaving her parents behind.<\/p>\n

The pandemic brought new challenges. Her older son\u2019s work was halted, and he came home to live with Meagher and her husband. Her parents were living in a condominium with one full-time aide, which became two full-time aides and another person to help her mother at night. \u201cThey were great,\u201d Meagher says, \u201cbut they weren\u2019t medical professionals. I was there every day trying to organize the caregivers, and we still had to get nurses in or bring them to the doctors.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her mother needed more physical care, and it was becoming untenable financially. \u201cI made the decision to have them placed in a memory care facility near my home,\u201d says Meagher. It was the summer of 2020. Meagher couldn\u2019t go in to see them; they couldn\u2019t come out. She finally saw them in May 2021.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey had declined so much being isolated there,\u201d she says. \u201cIt was such a heart-wrenching, hard decision to make.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meagher credits the Center for Successful Aging at Good Samaritan Hospital in Baltimore for helping her keep her sanity and make decisions for her parents. \u201cThey kept telling me during COVID, \u2018There are really no good choices.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

The COVID-19 pandemic has separated many families. Oliver (Ben) Karp \u201993<\/strong><\/span> lives in Tokyo with his wife, a full-time professor, and daughter. In her late 70s, Karp\u2019s mother began to spend half the year in her home outside of Philadelphia and half the year with him in Tokyo. It was just like living with another adult, Karp says. \u201cWe\u2019d get up in the morning, we\u2019d walk, have a coffee, shop, come home and cook for the family, and then I\u2019d go and pick up my daughter. Then I\u2019d go to my teaching job. And she would do her thing.\u201d Everyone was happy with the arrangement; Karp was pleased to see his mother grow close with his wife and daughter. Karp\u2019s mother made friends and even traveled to parts of Japan Karp hasn\u2019t yet been.<\/p>\n

\"BenToday, she\u2019s 81 and still living independently, vigorously so, but the pandemic is keeping her in Philadelphia for now. Karp feels they are just starting to get to the point where difficult questions need to be asked, like when\u2019s the right time for her to leave home. \u201cDo you want to leave when you\u2019re still functioning, or do you want to just enjoy every moment of life?\u201d he asks. \u201cEveryone thinking about this has to balance that need with the desire to live alone and be independent.\u201d<\/p>\n

But he knows for sure he wants his mother and his daughter to continue to be close. \u201cThat\u2019s life-affirming and life-sustaining\u201d for all of them, he says.<\/p>\n

Like Meagher\u2019s parents, Stephanie Dickinson Otero \u201991\u2019s<\/strong><\/span> father wanted to move closer to her after she had kids. Otero\u2019s parents had stuck to traditional gender roles in their marriage, and after her mother died when Otero was a new college graduate, she became accustomed to helping her father.<\/p>\n

Her father\u2019s own parents were getting older, too, and so in 2007, Otero\u2019s father moved with her grandparents to El Paso, where Otero lived with her husband and young kids, who weren\u2019t yet in school. They bought a house up the street with a pool, which was fun for everybody\u2014the kids could swim while their great-grandparents watched. Otero started taking care of her grandparents, and she would continue to do so until they each died a few years later.<\/p>\n

Just when Otero thought the family had a chance to slow down again, her father had a knee surgery in 2016 that brought on an infection. \u201cWithin a year, I was right back into care-taking mode,\u201d says Otero. She was grateful for her husband, who cooks, cleans, and could help lift her father when needed. Unfortunately, Otero\u2019s father never recovered from the infection; after multiple surgeries, he developed early-onset dementia, and he died in assisted living in 2018.<\/p>\n

\u201cI had an extended 10 years of raising children and taking care of both ill grandparents and then an ill father,\u201d says Otero. She was so unaccustomed to free time that now she often panics when she has an hour to herself, certain that she must be forgetting something.<\/p>\n

\"StephanieOtero wants people who are going through this to avoid looking back in regret. \u201cWhen you\u2019re in it,\u201d she says, \u201cand you have young children, and you\u2019re put in a position to make all these medical decisions, but you\u2019re not a medical expert\u2014you can\u2019t have regrets.\u201d There were so many decisions to make and none of them came easily\u2014decisions about care, whether to move or remodel their home for accessibility, finances, and so much more.<\/p>\n

Otero remembers the good and the bad of that time in her life. \u201cOn the one hand,\u201d she says, \u201cI got that time with them. I got to be there for them, and I got to give back to them for being important people in my life. On the other hand, it was really hard. You\u2019re guilt-ridden all the time because whether it\u2019s your parents, your kids, yourself\u2014somebody is not getting something in that moment.\u201d<\/p>\n

Amy Eddy, M.A.T. \u201904<\/strong><\/span>, has felt that herself many times. Eddy has been her mother\u2019s support system since 2008. Her mother, who is only 75, has had significant health problems over the years\u2014lung cancer twice, breast cancer twice, and heart surgery. She also suffered a car accident and currently deals with swelling in her arms and legs. Eddy\u2019s mother lives with Eddy\u2019s older brother, who has developmental disabilities.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey rely on each other, but she\u2019s getting to an age where she can\u2019t really take care of him anymore,\u201d Eddy says, and her mother now needs more care herself. \u201cI haven\u2019t gone the route yet of having everybody move in with me, but I feel like it\u2019s inevitable at some point.\u201d<\/p>\n

While helping her mother, Eddy was also undergoing her own journey to have a child. Eddy now happily has a three-year-old daughter after a diet change, several surgeries, medication, and in vitro. \u201cI do feel like I juggle trying to watch out for my mother, my older brother, and my kid,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

\"Amy\u201cThere are times when I have to say, \u2018Mom, I can\u2019t help you right now because I\u2019m trying to figure out how to take care of my daughter.\u2019 I bounce back and forth to all these different priorities,\u201d she says. When asked, Eddy admits she struggles with making time for herself.<\/p>\n

But having a daughter has brought her closer to her mother. \u201cWe have more in common now that I have this child she is totally obsessed with,\u201d she says with a laugh.<\/p>\n

While sandwiched Americans consist of many demographics, a 2006 analysis in Monthly Labor Revie<\/em>w estimated that in the late 1990s, 33% of U.S. women ranging from their mid-40s to mid-50s could be considered part of the sandwich generation. Going further, according to the Family Caregiver Alliance, more than half of all Black caregivers in the U.S. are caring both for an older person and a child. The pandemic has also forced many young adults back under their parents\u2019 roofs. As Lisa Meagher noted, \u201cI think more and more people are experiencing this, and it hasn\u2019t really entered our cultural narrative yet.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sandwiched Goucher alums share their stories of caring for a parent and a child at the same time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":352,"featured_media":4023,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[12633,87510],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[87484],"class_list":["post-3998","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feature","category-features"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Sandwich Generation | Goucher Magazine<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Sandwiched Goucher alums share their stories of caring for a parent and a child at the same time.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, 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